I notice myself humming “Hot Fun In the Summertime”, as I try to zip up my formerly fitting jeans.

Yes, I am one of those freaks who, instead of losing weight in the summer, gains it. I always hear people saying, “I eat less during the summer, fruits and vegetables, and I lose weight”.

Well, I am the opposite. The more relaxed I get, the more I eat. This summer has been very relaxing. Need I say more? Yes, the pants I brought in for alterations, I told them, just the length, the waist doesn’t need to come in.

I tried them on when they came back, and I could swear, they took in the waist.

Okay, I guess I can’t blame them. Oh, you mean those margaritas, mojitos, and going out to eat 5 nights a week piles up?

Yes, I guess it does. How much fun is this, though!

Yes, It would be a bit more convenient if I ate more during those winter months when you are wearing sweaters and coats more often than not. (No, I don’t live in L.A.!) It kind of fits the fashion. Then you get to at least hide the results of your indulgence! For those of us with SED, seasonal eating disorder I call it, who eat more when relaxed and happy in the summertime, we don’t get to do any hiding!

Oh well, Too bad, so sad, right? I have to admit, I just go with it. It is too much fun to enjoy these long summer nights. A little time off from the kids when they go to camp, or stay with relatives.

So, if you find yourself with this pattern of eating that is unlike your ’summer weight losing’ friends, don’t fret. We have those long winter months ahead, full of tension and lower appetites!

I think I will go out for chips and margaritas tonight.

Happy Eating!

Super Model

June 25, 2008; 5:01 am by UrbanBaby

South Beach, Hollywood and Scarsdale are fine places for kids to visit, unless those locales have the word “diet” in them. In a world where carbs and sugar have been so vilified, it’s important for parents to lay the groundwork for a healthy attitude toward food.

Donna Fish, a social worker specializing in eating disorders and the author of Take the Fight Out of Food: How to Prevent and Solve Your Child’s Eating Problems, offers tips on how children can enjoy real food for real life:

Super Bad: When eating diet-challenged foods such as fries or a donut, try not to say “This is bad for me” in front of your child (no matter how you feel).

Model Citizen: Set a good example. Stop eating after one portion. Show enthusiasm for your food.

Adults Only: Being a good role model doesn’t mean you can’t be on your own, say, low-carb diet. But your mini-me shouldn’t have the same food restrictions.

Clear Signals: Teach kids to stay connected to their body signals. Eat when hungry. Stop when full.

Intervention: Some kids have trouble self-regulating. It’s acceptable to tell a child who has trouble with intuitive eating, “It’s OK. You’ve had enough.” Many parents are held hostage by a fear of creating an eating disorder when in fact, a little parental guidance is in order.

Mirror, Mirror: Keep your vanity hidden inside your walk-in closet. Never say, “Do I look fat?” “I feel fat,” or variations thereof.

Forbidden Fruit (Or Cupcake): Prohibiting a child from eating junk food makes those treats all the more desirable. And when kids do have access to the banned treats at school or on a playdate, they become fixated on them, and all hopes of portion control go out the window.

Food for Thought: Be kid-relevant when explaining nutrition — for example, “You need to eat protein so you can concentrate during your soccer game,” or “Eat well and you’ll grow into those rollerblades.”

Enough: Kids should learn the concept of moderation. When parents lay the right foundation for good eating, children can navigate well for themselves.

Piece of cake.

 One of the best things I ever did for myself after having my third baby, was to finally seek the advice of a trainer. Not to work with them weekly, I can’t afford that, but to give me a program so that I could at least get the best benefit for the time I did manage to put in exercising. After all, who has time when you have kids, to exercise? You might as well get the most bang for your buck, I say, vis a vis effort and effect! 

I could go on and on about how fabulous Kim Williams is, and how she transformed my body through a period of time, into one I actually feel good about, (what woman ever feels that way, right?! I certainly never did in my 20’s and 30’s, it took until my 40’s when I started to follow Kim’s advice.All of this to say, that basically, following what she has recommended I do vis a vis exercise in the last few years, has worked. It is all her. (She also works out the actors to get ready for bathing suit and negligee scenes here in NYC. Need I say more about how much I trust what she says?)

This is all the long way around so that you guys out there pay attention to something she has always emphasized: Sleep, sleep and sleep! Aside from the fact that it is massively difficult to get enough sleep usually when you have kids, particularly babies, we have always had some kind of an idea that doing more, will probably burn calories. It feels counter intuitive to imagine that resting more will actually help you burn more calories, if you have the choice between going to the gym and a nap! But look carefully at what Kim says:

“Many of my clients ask whether it is better to go to the gym or to sleep. I’m sure you will be quite surprised to hear that the answer is:  SLEEP! 

According to the Tufts University Letter, dated February, 2007, there is mounting evidence from a number of studies demonstrating that a lack of sleep equates to greater risk of disease and added pounds! According to a study following more than 68, 000 American women for a period of 16 years, those who managed to get adequate sleep (about 7-8 hours), gained less weight during middle age. 

It seems, in a study of women who got only 5 hours of sleep nightly, that they were 1/3 more likely to have weight gain than those who slept 7 hours.  Activity levels didn’t seem to play a role and weight gain by an amount as small as 10 lbs. has been shown to double a person’s risk of diabetes. 

Inadequate sleep results in higher circulating blood glucose levels due to increased glucose production by the liver.  Impaired sleep also affects your body’s ability to use the glucose it makes! April 26, 2005 —

Sleep duration of six hours or less or nine hours or more is associated with increased prevalence of diabetes mellitus (DM) and impaired glucose tolerance (IGT), according to the results of a cross-sectional study published in the April 25 issue of the Archives of Internal Medicine. These findings were presented at the 2006 American Thoracic Society International Conference in San Diego and published in the American Journal of Epidemiology and demonstrate that a lack of sleep equals weight gain. 

The possible cuprits could be that a lack of sleep alters hormones involved in appetite control and metabolism (namely leptin and ghrelin).  Grehlin is produced in the GI tract and increases appetite when levels rise and leptin  levels decrease (produced in fat cells and signals the brain when you are full) in response to a lack of sleep.  Due to these hormones, as well as other factors, women who slept less in the study also ate less.

Contrary to popular belief that sleeping less means that you ‘do more’ and burn more calories (ie.  lose more weight), subjects in the study  who got only 5 hours of sleep did not lose weight!

In conclusion, you might think that more sleep will aid weight loss.  Wrong!  Research has found that subjects who have slept 9 or more have higher body weights and body fat than their 7-8 hour sleeping counterparts.

So, in conclusion, SLEEP!  Target 7-8 hours of sleep and keep your bed and waking time consistent so that getting enough sleep for good health becomes a habit.”

Now I know this is a tough one to manage with kids, but aiming for something close to this helps!

For more information, you can contact Kim at: kimwilliamsfitness@verizon.net

I laughed tonight, when I heard the thank you’s from my three girls as we gathered around the dinner table, and they went: “Thanks so much Mom, for the meal tonight.” I said to them: “I am so glad you appreciate my microwave-heating-up technique; this is really pathetic.”
And they said: “We appreciate that YOU did the heating up”.

Now of course, I feel pathetic about the fact that easily, two to three nights out of the week, I give them money for pizza to get from downstairs, (one of the benefits of being in NYC), or they are responsible for foraging on their own.

I would love to envision myself as that ‘all round Mom’ who, despite working a fair amount, still manages to do all of those great motherly things. My own mother was an amazing gourmet cook, who spent large amounts of time creating amazing meals that we savored.
I shake my head in complete wonderment at those Moms who show up at afterschool pickup with the perfect snacks, and beverages, while my kid is going: “What do you have, Mom?” (Nothing, usually, who remembers? Or has time?! This is where my multi-tasking efforts fail me. Too often.)

I am so not that Mom with the tupperware containers in the playground. Nor even the Mom with at least something for their kid to snack on. Okay, sometimes I do remember, I confess. But truthfully, I am terrible with food. I hate preparing food, I hate shopping for food, and I hate figuring out what to feed my family. I am better at other things. This is not my forte, I gotta say.

I do however, love to eat. Love, love, love, to eat food. The wacky part of all of this, aside from the fact that alot of my professional life is spent talking about food, is that my kids, probably because of this, love to cook. They love to eat well. They want to eat healthily, and have gotten me to buy organic, help them to eat less junk food, less sugar, and look at ingredients.

I think this must skip a generation. Or it is reverse psychology without trying. But sometimes, our kids really do take in things we want to give them while we feel like we are failing. The joke in our house, when my husband had more time, since he does love to prepare and cook, (he is much more patient person than me), was always: “Girls can cook too!”

So there you go. Without trying, they do it. They will turn into beautiful chefs. Then their kids can be like me.

Happy eating!

Anyone out there deal with this one yet?

Just as you finally stop asking that question out loud as you realize that you want your daughters to feel great about their bodies, and you don’t want to reveal your own feelings or insecurities about your own, they pop this one out.

My ‘first time’ went kind of like this: My oldest daughter, now 14, hits about age 10, and starts to look at herself in the mirror. As I watch her putting on her pants, she mimics in the best way possible, turning one way and then the other: “Mom, do I look fat in these pants?”

I just about fell over. Partly because I have been so fastidious about never, ever, ever saying that out loud, (I stopped torturing my husband with that one years ago; it never did much for either one of us) and having three daughters, I wanted to model a positive body image/feeling, self esteem blah blah blah, yah da yah da yah da. (Not to minimize how great it is to have great self esteem now, of course.)

Okay, I just on some level knew I didn’t want my daughters to learn that old stuff.

So here I have this 10 year old kid, who is highly self conscious, highly self aware, has somewhat perfectionistic standards for herself, is not at all fat either, uttering that pet phrase of women all over. I thought for a moment she was parodying the girl/woman, ‘Do I look fat?’ thing; she does tend to have a pretty high level of irony.

Of course I was thrown and didn’t know what to say beyond the old “Of course you don’t look fat, you are perfect”, thing. Yeah, that really sunk in. I crack up now, because it is never really the issue. The reassurance we seek, the idea that a few words will assuage any anxiety or help us deal with whatever we feel is not so great about ourselves.

I certainly didn’t’ in the moment do what I suggest to other moms. Easy to be the therapist and give advice and then out of office hours, of course, do the ‘wrong’ thing.

What I realize of course, after all of this, is that she doesn’t really need an answer from me anyway. That her own anxiety, and struggle with this, is her own to navigate and I will continue to be the Mom there, “Oh, you just say that because you have to, you are my Mom” she says back when I tell her how beautiful she is.

Whenever she says those words at any given time, I try different things, from: “Please don’t insult my daughter.” or “Keep that as your inside voice”, to: “It sucks to feel that way; it is a feeling, not a fact.”

So how do we deal with the issue of body, beauty and self esteem with our daughters, when their reality is such (and our reality) that we live in a culture obsessed with the body. That the body beautiful for women is powerful, and a huge issue. No matter what angle you are coming at it from. We can’t escape the fact that our girls are having to navigate the images of beauty in any way they get it, and we can’t protect them from what they are exposed to. We can’t stick our head in the sand and pretend that this world doesn’t exist, even if we don’t want them to be obsessed with America’s Top Model

This is a big part of their body/ego/image as they grow. It is a reality. However they respond to it, is going to obviously dovetail with our own ideas, experiences and feelings based on our own experiences. We can’t change that. Best to not deny it by expecting them to realize that they are ‘Perfect and beautiful no matter what’

I am fascinated with how we struggle with this very real issue. An issue which is tucked away, at the ‘back of the closet’ of our mind. Not that it doesn’t occur to us, we just don’t seem to talk very openly about it.

I am not giving answers here, because I think the dialogue is what is key. I am also endlessly fascinated with the different issues. Moms are comfortable talking about this in the consultation room, but are embarrassed to say to a friend: “I am uncomfortable with how I don’t like my daughters’ body; I worry that she may get fat as she takes after my husband.”

So, let’s bring this topic out of the back of the closet. Please email me or make comments about any of your own experiences being a mother raising a daughter and the issue of Beauty and the Body. Theirs, yours.

Being able to process this I believe will and can be key to helping our daughters to do so. To process the very real feeling they have about their bodies. No, it isn’t easy. But it is there. They are dealing with this, even if they don’t talk about it. The feelings of competition, envy, and anxiety about their own, and their friends’ bodies. The comparisons as they are all growing. How this impacts on their developing self esteem.

Please write in your comments, or thoughts, either to this website, or directly to me at: donna@donnafish.com

I welcome your part of this dialogue

Today’s article in the New York Times, speaks of the dangers we are facing in terms of a national health crisis for our children, if we do not reverse, forget stabilize, the numbers of obese children.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/02/opinion/02mon3.html?_r=1&th&emc=th&oref=slogin

Now you know, I am all for eating. You know, I am all for eating chocolate, cake, cookies, candy. We have always, and always will love these foods. But when are we going to finally figure out, that we simply need to eat less of it all.

When are we going to figure out, that the portions of a chocolate bar, are double what they were 20 years ago. That the portions in restaurants are double. That the big Gulp drinks, fill out the calorie equivalent of a day’s worth of eating for a kid. I am not sure what the mystery is. We really are a Fat Nation. I just got back from Berlin, and I have to tell you, I did not see one fat person. Of any age. They too, have McDonald’s, Dunkin Donuts, and other fast food franchises. I am a little sick of hearing the blame shifted to all these businesses.

I am not saying that I endorse eating McDonald’s every day, that is simply bad news. Who can’t figure that out? Do we really need a degree in nutrition to figure out that eating McDonald’s every day will make you put on weight? Or a movie? Give me a break. We really have lost our marbles when it comes to weight and food. We just eat too much.

So, along with decreasing our amounts of junk food intake, let’s teach our kids to in fact, not eat everything on their plate. Sure there are starving kids in other countries, but that ain’t happenning here. We are training too many kids to be Members of the Clean Plate Club. As picky, small eaters, they need to remain connected to their small appetites, not taught to eat more, because Mommy says so.

As teenagers, they may need to be taught to eat less. To cut back. To snack less. To perhaps even, feel hunger. So many kids eat out of boredom and habit, that they get habituated to larger amounts of food, signaling their brain that they are ‘done’.

So many parents are terrified that they will induce too much shame, if they use the word ‘fat’. It has become what I call, the new “F-word”. I think more parents are comfortable saying the swear word in front of their kids, than the word: ‘fat’. But I don’t care what you call it, overweight, ‘You are taking in more food than your body needs which is not healthy’. We need to be able to have a dialogue with our kids before they spend too many years eating too much and putting on too much weight, where they can learn to eat less.

There is too much at stake. Let’s take the fear out of the F-Word, and begin a dialogue.

she called herself when she walked into my office after calling to meet for a consultation about her 5 year old son.

A teeny, beautiful woman, working as a top physician in one of New York City’s best hospitals, this Mom joked with me, that she calls herself, “The Obese Mom”, after taking her son to the doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor turned to her, horrified, after weighing her son, and said: “He is obese! How did you let this happen!”

How awful for her. A physician and heart specialist yet, who works daily with people who have medical problems stemming from obesity.

As we talked more, the issues became clear. Her food legacy came out; how her Mom never cooked meals, let them eat anything they wanted, junk food, they mostly raised themselves vis a vis eating. Her own guilt about her long hours and how she didn’t want to challenge the babysitter she was so dependent on, even though this babysitter showered her son with love/food. Never said no, and had a bottle or food in his mouth at all times. How on her days off, since her son loved to eat, they would bake cookies together, and eat the cookie dough. He loved it so much.

It was time for some tough love. For both of them. Coaching her through weaning her son of sweets and a habit of eating for comfort, for any reason, was hard. Working through her guilt and her connection of food as love and nurturing had to be examined.

Hard to be a Mom. In time, this child lost weight, and this Obese Mom did other things to enjoy their time together.

Did they have a period of deprivation, screaming and yelling? Yes. Did she feel like the worst Mom in the world? Yes. But she knew it had to be done. Part of the process after taking away sweets, was a period where he got to choose when and how he got his treat per day. He felt control by knowing it was in the fridge, he could get it when he wanted, but that was it. No more than that.

She set limits. She felt hated by him. She was the bad guy. (And the Obese Mom yet!)

Now she can joke about it. Her son is happy, healthy, socializing and this “Obese Mom” doesn’t fear getting yelled at by his doctor.

I had to write this in honor of Mother’s Day coming up.

With all of the love love love, think positive self-help mantras out there; I am going to flip it for you.

To help all you parents out there learn why and how it is vital to embrace your intense feelings of hatred at times, for your kids. Don’t feel guilty. This is not to give yourself a free pass, or a rationalization, but rather to let you know why in fact it is a vital part of teaching your children how to tolerate ambivalent feelings. Part of being a human being and part of relationships.

I promise you, this is not coming only from the Mom perspective of how I feel at times when I am in the biggest fight with my kids. It comes from the training I have gotten as an analyst, when I was told by one of my best teachers: “Good enough is not only ‘good enough’, it is vital to help kids tolerate disappointment, and learn to hold onto us in their minds in the face of their own anger and hatred.

Now we are talking primitive feelings here, right? But name me an intense relationship that doesn’t involve love and hate, and I will say that is not intimate. Or deeply involved.

Learn to love your hate. I am always drawn to other irreverent moms like myself, who are willing to be upfront about their angry feelings, and the emotional intensity that can come up in parenting.

Most importantly though, we do need to model for our kids, that, in the face of their tantrums, or anger as we don’t give them what they want, that we can hold onto their love for us and we remember how great they are even when they are behaving so badly. That gives them a way to soothe themselves and hold on to soothing feelings to help them develop that tool to prevent fixing it with drugs, alcohol, food, etc.

Simple. Direct. Don’t be afraid. It passes. Teach your kid it is not the end of the world and you know they still love you, as you do them even when you or they ‘feel’ the hatred.

I know we don’t like to use that word.

But hey, we are all human. If you can feel it, you don’t have to act on it.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Visit me at: www.donnafish.com

Do you have a Picky Eater or a Beige Food Eater; those usually 5-7 year olds who will only eat white food? Does your kid require 18 warnings before transitioning from one activity to the other, and then have trouble stopping something once they start? The Trouble Transitioner.

There is The Spurt Eater; those toddlers or preschoolers who go for days on what seems like air, only to play biological catch up and shovel everything in for a day. Then we have The Grazer. I haven’t grown out of this one; it is my favorite way to eat, picky smaller bits throughout the day. This is a big one for toddlers and drives parents nuts when they are trying to go to solid foods into mealtimes. Lastly, we have The Sugar Demander. The kid (or yourself!) who keeps saying: “I want a cookie, I need a cookie, I want a cookie!” Often comes up as they enter preschool and you lose more and more control over the food they are exposed to.

This is where it gets hairy, right?! This is why I love working with people on food issues. There is always an interesting combination of things going on: food is so central to our beginning understanding of where we begin and end, and how we communicate with others. So, let me say how important it is to recognize that frequently these are styles and patterns of eating that are often typical, and normal. Particularly the Picky, Spurt, and Grazer. The pediatrician who wrote the forward for my book says that The Beige Food Eater is the most typical style of eater in early childhood and that the only thing you need to worry about is iron; throw some Cream of Wheat into the mix and you are covered.

The Trouble Transitioner and Sugar Demander are the two who end up at risk for eating more than their bodies’ need and can land up compulsively eating for reasons other than what their bodies need. The Trouble Transitioner might need help stopping after a portion or two, (distract the young ones to help them learn to wait to trigger the ‘DONE’ signal) or the Sugar Demander who will eat and fight you if you don’t give them some control or make too much of an issue of it. Conversly, they really need you to pick your battles and not wimp out on them, but you need to be somewhat flexible and reasonable within the perameters you set. Not all kids self-regulate and do need more help stopping.

We are learning more and more about the biology of appetite regulation, (more to come on this from the research field) and how genetics comes into play. All of this to say, that if you can separate out an eating style that is truly not dangerous or unhealthy, (and I say truly, because you’ve got to have confidence when the doc says yes, your kid is on THEIR growth curve and is thriving even though they are a very picky eater) from how you might be getting held hostage by food issues and control issues, you will help your kid truly eat for life, by turning things back on them and helping them know their own body better.

Make some of their own decisions within the rules you set up that you as the parent have the right to do. Be reasonable. Somewhat flexible. Don’t get too picky yourself, and over worry. Figure out first: “”What is the Problem, and Whose Problem is It?”

Are we having fun yet?!

Parenting is hard. Pick your battles. Figure out when and what the food battles need to be. Don’t get held hostage by your fear that you will create an eating disorder, but don’t be overly involved. Get your kid to take some responsibility and make some decisions within the choices you determine.

And lastly, don’t get held hostage in the kitchen. Figure out what works for you and them. But most importantly, be prepared. Like every issue in parenting, it will change. The moment you master one stage or feel like you are on an equilibrium, you will need to figure out something else, as they throw you more curve balls.

Again, I ask you: Are we having fun yet? You’ve got to chuckle at yourselves and remember that we can only do so much. Good enough, thank goodness, is good enough. Balance the tension between wanting to control things and having there be no structure or routine. Your kids having all the power, or no power. Come on, you can do it. Use your gut. Your instincts, and have confidence in yourselves.

As much as they will want to fight you, remember: Kids aren’t stupid, they know they shouldn’t be the boss.

I have had people respond to my advice regarding kids and food and remark: “Isn’t this all just common sense?!”

And I respond: “Yes! Absolutely!” What I find amazing actually about parenting in urban areas these days, (I can’t speak for the country), is that I think alot of things however, that used to be ‘common sense’, are uncommon. Meaning, that common sense seems to be on the decline, and we are so bombarded by expert advice, that we can fail to use our instincts and again, I will say it, ‘common sense’. Parenting seems to be a career, vs. a natural evolution of the life cycle process that some do or don’t choose. I think in fact this comes with alot of moms delaying child rearing and giving up careers where they got to control alot of their work life. Parenting and kids are different than jobs. There is alot that we can control but more that we cannot. The key is figuring out where to stake your battles, your limits and what you want for your family life.

So, for all of you that rely on others for advice on what to do, or seek experts out to figure out what to do, think first of your own instincts.
I always say that you are the one who knows your kid best. You know yourself best too.

Not that our instinctual response as parents is always best. I have had to work really hard to veer away from my natural response at times, or especially emotional response in dealing with my kids sometimes. But even if you are working at controlling your own temper, (my problem at times,) and want to do something different than the way you were raised, try not to get too far from your instincts.

Usually you are dead on.