This past weekend I attended the Body Design by Gilda reunion in NYC. In the former basement studio (now turned club), where we used to lead hundreds of women to push themselves one more rep, one more jump; we convened; but no, not in spandex.

In 1982 I moved to NYC at the urging of one of Paul Taylor’s dancers who I had gotten to come teach in Toronto: “Come to New York! Paul is opening a school!” she said. I had just broken up with my boyfriend, packed my stuff, and figured I would take class, audition, try my luck.

In order to survive while I was training and auditioning, I got a job teaching aerobics at a studio called Body Design by Gilda. Little did I know, that I would be teaching some of the most famous actresses from movies, television, stage as well as women who were some of the biggest names in business, publishing, philanthropy, the fashion industry. At that point, health clubs and gyms were mainly for the die-hard weight lifters; Gilda and her former student Jane Fonda were doing this thing called aerobics, and it seemed like everybody who was anybody walked through our doors those days! I remember you all and what leotards you used to wear; Arianna, a special nod to you, the statuesque brunette in navy blue at the 57th St. studio in the 80’s!

As each of us stood up to re-introduce ourselves and say what we had been doing these last 25 years or so, I could not stop shaking my head. PhD’s, Professors at NYU, Yale, the Alvin Ailey School, Atlantic Theatre Company, Hollywood casting director, hugely successful businesswomen, actresses, writers, editors. The children, marriages, divorces. Life. The energy from the studio had made its way into the world! (I need to also mention that when they were wheeling me into the O.R. to have my first daughter; who was there, a Gilda instructor! Only this time in scrubs not spandex; she had been studying for her MCATS while teaching aerobics and now was helping deliver my daughter! )

But the most important thing I felt that evening and always felt during my tenure at Gilda’s was the support we gave each other as we struggled with our various ups and downs. Gilda’s was a place we could go to whether we were a teacher or a client, and find incredible comfort. And then of course, crank up the music and sweat!

So for all you teachers, staff members and clients out there who ever attended a Gilda class, we lift a glass and remember the sisterhood of the spandex!

Visit me at: www.huffingtonpost.com/donnafish 

I have a confession that for some reason comes a surprise to the audiences I usually speak to,  (not my friends and family who know this well!).    I am a massive ‘foodie’.  I love, love, love to eat, and to eat well.  I can get ridiculously excited about the prospect of good food, and like many other Jews, call food ‘beautiful’. As in:  “That was a beautiful piece of fish!”  (Wasn’t that on some Seinfeld episode ?  Maybe a Jackie Mason show). 

I am not sure why this comes as a surprise to the audiences at my seminars or lectures.  Perhaps since I wrote a book on kids and healthy eating habits, they think I am coming armed with strict rules against sugar or junk food. 

To combat that notion, when they ask me what I might like to eat while lecturing, I ask to have plenty of Twizzlers on hand, my favorite candy. 

Basically, I wrote my book and have spent the last 20 years of my practice trying to help people combat their guilt, negative attitudes and all kinds of ideas that promote unhealthy eating.   It doesn’t take rocket science to understand why Weight Watchers tends to be the most successful program to help people lose and maintain weight loss.  It helps people basically learn how much they can eat of what they like.  Emphasis here on the idea of WHAT THEY LIKE.   

Restriction and deprivation never works.  Short term, but never long term. 

But enough of my diatribe and no, I am not working for Weight Watchers.  All this simply to express my passion for food, and when I find a dish I call “UTTER PERFECTION”, I just have to tell you about it. 

This past weekend I spent with my 3 best friends from high school, doing our annual reunion thing.  I gotta tell you that this year, one of the big draws, aside from the girlfest we have all weekend, were the meatballs that were calling my name.  Last year, during my visit, I made the mistake of not listening to my friend Deb when she recommended the meatballs at the restaurant we always go to on the opening night of our reunion weekend.  As I had said, “How good can meatballs be?” 

Well, too bad for me, because I landed up with the biggest case of ‘food envy’ to date.  I was offered bites, but you know how it is when your friend has the dish you suddenly prefer, no matter how much they offer?   You are simply left wanting. 

So this year, I was prepared.  Despite the initial temptation to order different things to have ‘tastes’, we agreed:  “No sharing!” 

These things can be tricky though when the expectations are high.  When you have spent a year wistfully thinking of meatballs, never quite finding them made in any other restaurant in quite the same way.  Hoping upon hope that they will live up to your dreams.  

Well, people, this is why I am writing my “Ode to Meatballs”.   The dish went beyond my ‘trying-to-not-have-but-you-can’t-help-it,’ expectations.  Not only were the meatballs beyond mouth savoring, (this is why I am not a food critic and simply aspire to be the friend of a food critic; they can actually write about food!)  

 I noticed the other aspects of the dish, which all put together, was  “PERFECT EXACTLINESS”.  Now I know I am making up words here, but perfection doesn’t quite cut it.  It is the combination of flavors and textures:  the crunch of the perfectly toasted orecchiette coupled with the savor  of the kale and mushrooms (not sure what kind; shitake?) in the broth, along with the meatballs, (made of pork veal), that do it.  What can I say?  This dish nails it.  The tastes combined put me in ‘foodie’ heaven.  

So if you happen to be in the Boston area and want to know where to eat, hightail it to this place:  Rendezvous, at 502 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge MA

www.rendezvouscentralsquare.com

And please, if there are any food critics out there that need tasters to join them and eat a lot, please do not hesitate to contact me at  www.donnafish.com

Happy eating!

As I have pondered a request for a piece on tweens and body image for several weeks now, I realize that I need to present the brutal truth:  Most adolescent girls’ body image ‘sucks.’  According to the hundreds of  tweens I have worked with over 20 years and the vantage point of  being the mother of 3 girls, (two teens, one tween), and the input of their friends:  there is no escaping this brutal reality.  So rather than focusing this article on how to help your tween maintain any kind of positive body image, I will be giving you thoughts on how to survive this time that gets everyone through it with the least amount of angst and the most amount of humor and open communication 

A few things to consider in understanding your tween’s world: 

Our kids are presented with images of the body that are far different than the average size for any girl.  The celebrities and models in these images have body weights that are roughly 25 – 30% thinner than the average girl.  On top of that, the images are photo shopped. 

These images, (even if your child doesn’t watch t.v. or buy magazines,) are insidious.  They are in advertising, they are part of popular culture.  All kids want to be popular and part of things.  This is what they think they are supposed to look like and what they aspire to look like. Tweens  I have interviewed over the years state openly:  “Everything is about what others think about you and everyone thinks they’re fat and ugly.  Not everyone admits it, they may even act like they don’t feel that, but they do.” 

So what is a parent to do who is hoping to help her tween emerge into the teenage years and adulthood with any semblance of self esteem?  Here are some tips: 

1)  Don’t EXPECT them to maintain a ‘positive body image’.  If it happens, terrific.  If not though, don’t worry that they are abnormal.  In fact, they are completely normal. 

2) They will try to ‘off load’ the ‘bad feelings’ about themselves onto you.  This is done by telling you things like: “I hate my thighs”, or: “I always look terrible”.  They need to ‘off load’ the intensity of their feelings and unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you think about it, you are their target.  That way, they get to relieve the pressure.  Oh, the joys of motherhood! 

3) Their negative and critical comments may trigger in you feelings of responsibility for needing to help them have ‘good self esteem’.  This is not your problem.  Your job is to help them ‘tolerate’ the feelings without acting in a self destructive manner.  You do this by surviving their ‘dumping’ their feelings onto you at times, and otherwise, ‘get out of the way! 

4) Their self criticism may trigger your own self criticism. About yourself as a parent, or about your own body.  Be aware of anything that you notice and separate your own feelings out as much as you can.

5)    If they say nothing, don’t think it is necessarily a reflection of a positive body image.  They might be hiding their feelings for some reason.

6)    Watch out for drops in weight and ongoing weight loss. Seek professional help if this continues and/or they are starting a binge/purge cycle.

7)    Try not to get sucked into their drama.  They will do everything as I said, to ‘offload’ the feelings, often in the form of a fight.  This actually might help distract everyone and will inevitably happen at times, but try to decrease the amount of times you get sucked in.

    Take many deep breaths.  Remind yourself that it is not your job to help them ‘feel better’.  It is your job to give them space to work this out and feel it themselves.  Become a little hard of hearing. 

While this piece may not satisfy your urge to find anything constructive to change your tween’s attitude about their body, perhaps it will help you survive this time with a sense of what is realistic and doable.  At least then you will be working with their reality and validating their feelings, rather than giving them the sense that you can’t handle their feelings.  Most importantly, in speaking with many other moms who hear complaints from their tweens and struggle to figure out the right thing to do, this is the good news:  Your kids are comfortable enough with you to air these complaints.  A friend of mine and I were talking about it and realized that we never would have dreamed of letting our moms hear of our body complaints when we were growing up.  I realized that for myself, I was more ashamed of my own vanity and concern of my appearance, than I was even of my body.  Seeing it in that light, I have come to appreciate my daughters’ comfort with airing their concerns in front of me. 

However, despite all of your efforts at understanding and patience, it can get wearing to hear your kids’ complaints about their appearance.  So at times, you can always say as I do when I have had enough:  “Please keep that as your inside voice and stop insulting my daughter.”

           The other day in my office, I was counseling a couple who came to me over their own fighting over their kids’ food.  He:  “I think Karen defers to the kids too much.  They should eat what is on their plate, and finish it all!”  She:  “I refuse to make my kid eat chicken if she doesn’t like chicken; she has great eating habits and was happy with the cantaloupe and salad.” 

            Sound familiar?  Perhaps the genders are flipped in your household, but invariably, parents differ over leniency, or how to handle it when kids don’t want to eat what is given to them.  Often it is related to how we as children were raised around food.  As this Dad said to me plainly:  “I had to eat what was there for dinner, or I didn’t get food.  I just want Karen to respect my position and not fight me in front of the kids.” 

What he then sheepishly shared, was the story of how he had a standoff once with his Dad over being forced to eat something he didn’t like, and he won.  He just had to stay at the table all day. 

            Feeding our kids, and feeding ourselves, often can raise lots of issues.  Unfortunately in their case, this couple came for help because they were in a stale mate over how to handle their differing perspectives and were fighting in front of the kids.  Like any couple issue, the ghosts of others are lurking there in the room as we are playing out the current scenes.  Add to the mix the stakes of teaching kids good eating habits, and you have a perfect storm of tension, anger and polarization. 

A few tips: 

1)    Think carefully through the question:  What is the problem, and Whose Problem is it?  What are you really worried about?

2)    Think about how you were raised with food.  How were you taught to eat?  Did it work well for you?  How so?  Why do you want to pass it on to your kids?  Is this about the food, or about respect and respect from your partner about being a parent?

  3)    Pick a family style that works for you and your partner.  This couple relayed that their kids eat way better than most as they talked it through; they eat adult food, not only kid food, and are for the most part, fairly adventurous.  They were in more agreement than they thought.  It wasn’t about the kids’ food after all. 

4)    Try to be empathic to the other point of view, but aware of how it is playing out with your kid.  Is this teaching them to either just be compliant and finish everything on their plate or eat something because you said so?  That will train a kid to disconnect from their own bodies’ signals, and lead to problematic eating. 

5)    Conversely, you might need to be more authoritative with your kids re: teaching them to eat well.  Don’t be held hostage by their demands.  Let your partner help you to see if you need to be firmer regarding limit setting. You can say no.  You won’t create an eating disorder, don’t worry. 

With this couple they each had a point that needed to be heard by the other and respected.  They were able to problem solve around this when they realized that their kids in fact, were okay regarding their eating habits.  Taking the fight out of food here, required them figuring out what in fact, they were bringing to the table. 

Happy Feeding!

I was just asked to do this piece for Just Ask Marlene; the website that Wilhemina Models’ head of the Junior Division has for tweens. This is not focused on girls who are or want to be models, but rather focused on healthy eating for all tweens on up; feel free to share it with any kids in your lives.

http://www.justaskmarlene.com/fit-peek.html

SPRING HEALTHY EATING TIPS

Here we are the sun is out and we are finally getting to shed our layers! Yeah! Here are some tips to feel fabulous and enjoy the beautiful warmer weather while eating sensibly and feeling good in your body.

1 Balance what you eat; Feed your body all the things it needs. Fruits, veggies, protein, calcium, carbs. Yes, carbs! Make sure to get some protein in your body at breakfast or lunch, so that you aren’t starving by the end of school and more likely to eat junk food. If you hate breakfast, grab a cheese stick to eat on the way, or some peanut butter on a cracker. Eggs are great if you like them and they will ‘hold’ you all morning.

2.Try to eat oranges or grapefruit before you have to do your after school activities. This is what dancers do before class or a performance and will give you the energy your body needs, without leaving you feeling overly tired or starving.If you don’t like oranges, try some other fruits like strawberries, peaches and plums. Then you will get the spurt of energy you need for your high energy activities.

3. Don’t avoid foods you love. Don’t deprive yourself of the treats you enjoy. Overly restricting food will boomerang by overeating or slowing your metabolism. Simply ask yourself this question: “Do I want it now, or later?” Remind yourself that you can have it, but only have it if you really want it.

4.Sometimes you can get in the habit of eating certain things,or enjoying eating with friends while hanging out together, even if you aren’t that hungry, or even in the mood to eat that food. You can always eat it later, or enjoy your time with your friends laughing, talking and hanging out. Don’t feel pressured to eat if they are.

5. Eat till you are DONE AND COMFORTABLE, not necessarily full. EAT WHEN YOU ARE HUNGRY AND STOP WHEN YOU ARE COMFORTABLE. You will feel lighter and it will help flip the ‘off swtich’ which is hard to do with some foods like chips, peanuts, cookies.

6. Play a ‘waiting game’ if you want to cut down on any portion sizes. Remind yourself that you can have more later if you are still hungry.

7. Your body is hungrier some days than others. Don’t sweat it if you have some days when you eat a lot more than usual. Try to eat more fruits, veggies and protein and you will naturally fill in the rest with less high calorie food that won’t help your body much.

Most importantly, enjoy your food and get outside and move your body! You will feel great inside and out, and be ready for summertime. Happy Springtime!

Much thanks to our friend Donna Fish for her great article on Spring Healthy Eating Tips. Donna is psychotherapist and author of a great book “Take the Fight out of Food”, she coaches people of all age on eating well for life. Visit her at: www.donnafish.com

Help! Is what most parents say in desperation when it comes to the sugar cry from their kids. “What should I do when my kids constantly ask for candy? I know it’s not good for them to eat too much sugar, but that’s all they want!”

Once your children are exposed to the world at large- through playgroups, at school, at friends’ homes and so on, you are no longer in total control of their food. Typically, this increased exposure happens after about three years old, when kids often enter preschool. Even if you were able to keep your first baby away from sugar, your second is usually exposed much earlier on because of her older sibling’s expanding world.

For many parents, trying to find a way to manage kids’ intake of treats can get complicated. While some kids self-regulate sweets fairly easily, take a few bites and are off and running, some can start demanding more and have difficulty stopping, and/or create a power struggle around their intake.

Here are some tips to help you navigate the issue and help take the focus off the fight:

1) Don’t get held hostage by your worry that you are going to be creating a problem if you say no. At the same time, be flexible and understand that while you may not want your kids to eat sugar or have it in the house, they are going to be eating it outside the home and you might want to be around to help them learn how to moderate it if they need your help.

2) Try to get away from the old ‘good food’, ‘ bad food’ description. Sugary foods can be described as ‘fun food, ‘food that makes your taste buds happy’ while you teach them nutritional lessons about what other food groups do for them: I.e. chicken nuggets, (protein) helps your muscles go strong to kick that soccer ball. The treat is fun to eat and important too, but they need to balance foods so that they make sure they are taking good care of this body that does stuff for them!

3) To get around the old: “How many more bites before dessert?” question, reply back: “What do you think? How well have you fed your body with other things to help it grow?” If they make the decision they are more likely to have one extra bite, vs. putting so much emphasis on the dessert.

4) Give them some choice of when they get the treat. Do they want it now, or do they want to have it after dinner when everyone else is having their treats.

5) Teach them how to wait by assuring their access to the treat. Let them put it on a shelf or in the fridge where they know where it is, and they get to pick when they have it. Don’t even worry if they eat it before their meal. It will rarely spoil their appetite.

6) Every family has their own value system and comfort level with sugar. Figure out your comfort level and consider whether you need to be a bit more flexible, or perhaps more limit setting. Don’t be held hostage by any worry that you will create a problem if you say no, but begin a dialogue also with your kids so they take some responsibility for the amount of treats they eat and how well they are feeding their body.

7) Don’t fret about the days when they go from one birthday party to the next. Even if they consumed massive amounts of treats, by dinnertime or the next day, you can usually offer up a more healthy option. Remember that flexibility and having ‘off’ days, are part of healthy eating. Their bodies can accommodate this.

As you may have noticed already, some kids are more demanding than others when it comes to sugar. Separate out their demands from usual “I want what I want when I want it” behavior and don’t’ worry about saying no. Some kids do need more stucture from you to help them to regulate their eating, but giving them some control within the rules you set, will help them wait out that time to finally get the signal from their belly to their brain, that they don’t need/want that treat anymore.

Facing the reality that there is only so much control that you will have over their lives is a lesson often first learned around food. You can pretend that sugar only exists outside the home, but giving them the tools and understanding what tools they need from you, will help them learn how to moderate sugar.

Yes you can give them the foundation to avoid fights with food between you and them, but most importantly, you can prevent them from that fight within themselves later on.

“My kid only eats three things!” Many parents say. A while back an article in the New York Times spoke of a company that now can analyze your DNA and find out such specific information as to why in fact, you might have never wanted to drink milk when you were a kid. (Lactose intolerance tells your body to stay away!)

Parents can pull their hair out, worrying about their kids who refuse to try any new foods. Even formerly adventurous babies, can turn into toddlers and preschoolers who get so picky with their eating, that parents go bananas.
Aside from the beige food eaters, picky eaters are the most typical of early childhood. This is important to understand, because like with any parenting issue, the less personally you take it, and the less you need to truly worry about it becoming a problem, the more relaxed you can be which is always best for your kids!

Some things to consider: Every kid’s palate develops on their own timetable, just like their motor, speech and cognitive development. Think about it; eating involves the three senses of taste, smell and touch. Similarly to how one child reads earlier because the muscles of the eye steady the letter on the page sooner, your child’s senses are developing on their own timeline. Don’t worry if you and your husband enjoy more subtle flavours; your child might need more time to develop that part their palate.
Many allergists believe that children who are picky eaters are instinctively tuned into their bodies’ signals that are telling them to stay away from a particular food until their bodies have developed enough immunity to said food.
Children are often just less interested in variety, and love the same things. Think of how many times they have to wear the same Superman outfit to preschool, or the same T- shirt? Their world is expanding and they are also asserting their own individuality and taste. Taste, remember! Again, try not to take it personally.

Here are some tips to help you live through the years (and criticizing you may get from so-called well wishers)!:

1) If you are worried that they aren’t getting their nutritional needs met, look at your kids’ food over the course of one to two weeks, not just each day. (What nutritionists advocate.) There is more room for those days your kid barely eats anything, or it seems like they really do only exist on mac and cheese.

2) Teach them about the major food groups and what they do for their body. Get them to go grocery shopping with you and pick out the ways they want to eat their protein. Let them pick the fruit, if they won’t eat veggies, If they won’t even do that, challenge them to find another way to get their vitamins. Make it into a game. They are the expert on their body, but they do have the job of taking the best care of it that they possibly can, you say to them. Empower them to take more responsibility. Get them to do some of the work.

3) Let them pick one or two back up meals if they never eat what you prepare for dinner. If they are too young to prepare it themselves, try to keep it simple and something they can reach in the fridge themselves. Don’t worry if it is something like a yogurt, or cereal. Let them portion out their own food.

4) Leverage the siblings if you have more than one child! As they won’t eat the carrots on their plate, ask them if you or if their sister or brother can eat them? Model a “Good, more for me!” attitude, and your own enthusiasm about eating.

5) You can use the ‘try each thing once’ rule, but don’t worry if it doesn’t work or they start to fight you on it. I find that the more pressure you put on them, the less likely they are to find it and appreciate it for themselves when they are ready. It can also set up a power struggle as they begin to individuate themselves.

6) You can try to hide veggies in their food, (Deceptively Delicious advocates might swear by this), but it often doesn’t last long. If you do this, don’t expect it to last and be prepared to deal with the issue square on.

Most of all, remember that there is alot of evidence to help you as a parent, not take this issue personally. Think of your own and your husband’s background. Were you a picky eater? Are there any food allergies in your family? After all, it could just be in their DNA, not that you are doing a bad job. Or, your child simply needs time to ‘grow into’ their palate. Who knows, they may even become the next ‘Top Chef’!

Anyone out there deal with this one yet? ( I am writing today for those with girls in that 8 - 13, 14 year old range.)

If you have trained yourself to stop saying:  “Do I look fat in this?” out loud, particularly in front of your daughter, hoping to communicate a positive body image, it can be a shock when you hear for the first time:  “Mom, I feel fat!”  or “Mom, I am fat!”

Preteens and Their Changing Bodies

While many people focus on issues in “teenage years,” the preteen years, when your daughter’s body is preparing for puberty, can come with its own specific challenges.  Several things to consider are: 

This is a time of increasing body consciousness.   Girls are beginning, if they haven’t already, to compare their own bodies to those of their friends.  They are navigating images of bodies in a world where the emphasis is on thin.  The media encourages this perception with an emphasis on body types that are out of the average range.  Although we want to protect our daughters and tell them not to be obsessed with America’s Top Model, we can’t stick our head in the sand and pretend that this world doesn’t exist.

The surge of hormones brings on more sensitivity.  Along with increased social and peer pressure and the wish to ‘fit in’, girls do compare their bodies and body parts.  Their worries about who is friends with who, and the shifting alliances between groups of friends, can all be funneled into focusing on their bodies.

Girls often appear chunkier, or ‘fluffier’ as their bodies prepare to menstruate.  They will put on fat in the areas where estrogen is stored; namely, the stomach, butt, thighs, and upper arms.  Nutritionists I have consulted with say that this can be a time when they get the most referrals.  Keep in mind that this is often transitional stage, until their bodies ‘settle out’.  It is vital that preteens don’t restrict their eating too much, or start a diet unless medically necessary.  This can trip off an eating disorder, or an eating pattern that creates long-term problems. 

Tips to Help You and Your Daughter Navigate the “I Am Fat” Complaint

When you have a calm moment, sit with your daughter and ask her more about her concern:  “You worry that you are fat; what makes you think that?”  Begin a conversation. Ask about their social lives and any hurt feelings.  If your child is concerned about a particular body part, remind her that every body is different. Everyone’s body has its own shape, and its own timetable for its changes.

Don’t let your preteen start to diet as a result of their worry.  If in fact they have a weight problem, or are beginning to eat compulsively on a regular basis, consult a professional.  Dieting can cause long term problems related to unhealthy eating habits.  Remind them to eat the foods they love, but to always eat when hungry and stop when full.  Try to notice if they are eating out of boredom or anxiety and ask them about it.  Distract them with talk.

If your preteen is spending too much time in the mirror, keep them moving!  Set a time limit!  Joke about it, and just keep them putting one foot in front of the other.  Be aware if your daughter is withdrawing from her friends or avoiding social situations.  Help your daughter move through her negative feelings and teach her that it is normal to not feel great about all of the parts of herself.  If these preoccupations persist and interfere with your daughter’s functioning or she is overly restricting her food, seek professional help.

Have a ‘matter of fact’ attitude.  Teach your preteen that feelings pass.  Treat her anxiety in a matter of fact way.  Show your preteen that it is okay to feel anxious, not great sometimes, and that it can pass.  Show her that you can hold onto a larger view, while empathizing that she feels badly.  Don’t avoid her feelings.

As a parent, our impulse is to always reassure, and soothe.  As our children become preteens, they need more than a Band-Aid to comfort them.  Often, our preteens need to vent their frustration and negativity.  So, just like in any other parenting issue, listen and acknowledge your daughter’s feelings while forgiving yourself for any of your own feelings that get triggered.  We all have our limits after all, and at times, you can simply respond:   “Please don’t insult my daughter.”

is what I say when my kids don’t want to eat what I have painstakingly made. (Violins being played, actually, I am not a very good cook!) But I hear over and over from families who love to eat well, one of the parents is a fabulous cook, and their kids will only eat 5 things, of course none of them being whatever the parents love to eat.

It can be demoralizing. Frustrating. Insane making. But is it a problem? Parents ask me: “How can we get our kids to try more foods? There must be something!” In this blog I am going to offer some tips, but they will not necessarily be directed to ‘getting your child to eat’ those foods if whatever you have tried hasn’t worked. I am going to help you figure out if in fact there is a problem here, and hope to reassure you, that this is one of the most typical ways young kids do eat.

Working with hundreds of parents in doing research for my book, I found that kids can have a particular style of eating, almost like a personality trait. These can change, but I found these 6 categories were typical in childhood:
The Beige Food Eater, The Grazer, The Trouble Transitioner, The Picky Eater, The Sugar Demander, and The Spurt Eater. This blog is dedicated to The Picky Eater. (I promise to follow with the others!)

It is useful to look at eating habits of younger children as partly developmental. If you think about it, food is the earliest thing our kids can do to control their lives. They can purse their lips, and shake their head: “No! I don’t want to eat that!” This is part of them establishing themselves separately from you. This is good, that they know what they want and don’t want, particularly that they may not be hungry or that their body is telling them not to eat that food. Some allergists believe that picky eaters are protecting themselves until they build up the immunity to the foods that they are staying away from.
Additionally, it is important to know that formerly adventurous eaters when this is most of their expanding world, can become very picky eaters, as they move on to building skills in other areas. It is way more interesting to chase that ball, than to try that new food, for example. These are the most important questions to ask yourself: Is your child thriving? Are they on THEIR growth curve? Is the doctor concerned? Most often, your child is fine, unless they have sensory integration issues which can affect oral motor development. (If you have concerns please consult with your pediatrician; I have a list of things you can look out for if you are concerned in Take the Fight Out of Food).

So ask yourself: What is the Problem? “Well, my child only eats the same five things over and over.” Are they getting a range of the food groups roughly, or are they at risk for scurvy? Usually those questions are yes, and no. But parents still pull their hair out.
Many parents worry that their kids will miss out on an enjoyable part of life. Like most aspects of parenting, “DON’T’ PREDICT THE FUTURE!. More often than not, this is a stage that is totally typical of childhood that your child is passing through. Most picky eaters grow out it by age 13 when biology kicks in, (growth spurts) and their senses fully develop. (Remember, eating involves the three senses: touch, taste and smell!)

But it can be a drag if other relatives, particularly at times, grandparents, might criticize your parenting either overtly or discreetly, implying that you are too ‘easy’ on your child. And, simply, it really gets boring when your child has a truly limited palate.
A word of reassurance: All of the pediatricians and nutritionist I consulted with in researching this, state that kids get their nutritional needs met on a one to two week basis, and are usually fine. They end up getting what they need. Even if it is one fruit, or one vegetable of that food group. Over and over and over!
But here are some tips to cope with your Picky Eater:

1) Have a “Oh good, more for me!” attitude. Model eating and enjoying theirs and your food.

2) If you have other kids, ‘leverage the siblings.” They can take the carrots from the little one’s plate which often makes that child want it more. If you have one child, perhaps you can do this.

3) You may subscribe to the offer it to them until they try it, or they need to try it once before they decide they don’t like it. You can pick what you prefer. I didn’t have the patience with my youngest, my pickiest eater and I wasn’t worried about it, so it was easy to do more of the reverse psychology method.

4) The less issue you make of it, the less anxiety you create in your child. Your child needs a calm mommy, not an anxious mommy, Besides, anxiety cuts appetite, or will create opposition. You definitely don’t want your child eating for you, to be ‘good’, or to use this for power struggles.

Continue to enjoy the beautiful food you make with your partner, wife, husband, and model your enjoyment with your kids. Continue to eat together. Take the stress out of the mealtimes, by all of you, relaxing and enjoying the food. Be dogmatic about mealtimes being about connecting and hanging out together, not necessarily about eating. Enjoy those golden moments. Now that can fill you up. Who knows? One of them might become the next Alice Waters.

We know all about it. Even the President couldn’t part from his Blackberry. Is the term Crack-berry yet in the revised Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders?

We are addicted to our devices that keep us abreast of the news, and in touch with each other. Forget talking. Especially for teenagers. Texting, I-M’iing, and Face-Booking has replaced the old phone conversation. There are so many different ways our kids stay in touch with each other now, that it is impossible to keep up.

It is also hard at times, to disconnect. I have had to declare mealtime as a cell-free time zone. This, after catching my middle daughter surreptitiously texting under the table. She’s good, that one!

As your teens move into more independence, you may give them more freedom with texting, time on their computers; (that is, if your cell phone plan allows it!) I am focusing here however, on the pre-teen stage when they are neither kid, nor teenager; a tween some call it. If they don’t yet have their own cell phone or computer, you will likely be moving in that direction soon. With this, many parents worry not only about their kids’ exposure to the internet and social networking sites, but simply, how to manage their kids’ texting, while giving them some access to this new way of communicating with their friends.

A key part of this developmental stage is social connection. Feeling part of things, being in the loop is a vital part of feeling like you are fitting in, which is where ’staying in the know’ becomes so important. Being connected in fact, is not just a social artifact of being female, but is biological. A fairly recent book on the female brain helps us understand why in fact, girls’ need to connect is part of their brain biology, and that not connecting triggers anxiety. (The Female Brain’ by Louann Brizendine, M.D., Broadway Books).

As girls are entering puberty hormones are kicking in and identity questions are becoming ever more important. Who am I? Where do I fit in? These are the basic questions that preoccupy many tweens, and are completely normal.

When however, do our girls and their need to be part of what is going on, or at least connected to one friend to help them feel that they are doing okay, drive excessive texting, or I-M’ing? When does connection for comfort, that need to ‘talk’, turn from reassurance, that you are okay, and connected, to an activity that creates more problems?

Currently researchers are proposing that because it is so easy for us to connect via texting, social networking, that young women, teenagers and now tweens, are spending much more time talking with their friends about any problems or issues they may be having. The concern is that this can go from being fun, sociable, and reassuring, to at times creating more anxiety. While your pre-teen may not yet be having this problem, it is good to understand the world they may be moving into, before you know it! As I see it with working with pre-teens and teens for 20 years now, the current concerns are emerging as follows::

1) Girls can ‘over-talk’ about things, which can actually create more worry, and an over preoccupation with an issue,

2) They can have trouble knowing when and how to say no to their friend, and take time for themselves and

3) They lose the ability to wait. This robs them of some of their own problem solving abilities that they would come to by themselves.

Waiting is one of the most important psychological tools we can give to our children. If they learn now to sit still and wait, they will ’sit with’ some of their feelings. This gives them an opportunity to not only know themselves better, but to problem solve when the feeling dies down and they can think about it more rationally. (This is also a time when they might let you help them think through the situation with them out loud.) This increases their problem solving, and decision making skills; tools that are vital toward their psychological growth and well being.

But in this world of MySpace; YourSpace, how do we as parents, help our kids figure out how to take their Own space? Particulary during this stage where they are identifying more with their peer group than with us? Here are some tips to help you navigate their ever expanding world while trying to stay connected.

1) If you don’t think your child needs a cell phone yet, don’t be afraid to say no. No, you are not ruing their life! If they have one already, and rely on texting for communication, certainly set some ground rules around when they can’t text. Meal times need to be ‘no texting’ time zones. Take their phone away if it is interfering with their ability to do homework. Take it away at bedtime so that they don’t stay up the next hour, texting a friend. Create cell-free zones and times.

2) While bedtime rituals are changing from childhood, see if they will allow you to either comfort them, or problem solve through talking with you, when you are putting them to bed. I found this a time where after reading her own book, my daughter who is now a teenager, would want me around and would relax and be more open to telling me if she was struggling, if I gave her a backrub. It became something I could do to help her relax, and we ended up talking as she started to calm down.

3) Separate your own feelings from those of your child’s. We all have our own triggers for feeling left out, and being back in junior high, not part of the group, or fear of that happening. Try to let your child have their feelings without solving them yourself, and getting over involved. This is a time when they need you to be there but to allow them the space to figure out how they are going to manage their feelings. Give them the feeling that you trust how they will handle things and if they feel bad, you can handle them feeling that way. Help them to think through the situation with you by asking them more questions about how they might want to handle it, vs. giving them the answers.

4) Let your kids ’save face’ by setting the limits on the time they can be on the computer connecting, or texting. Being the bad guy and letting them blame it on you, helps them to take space, without offending their friends. They learn to say no. You are modeling that, and they learn about setting limits. It also helps them to learn that even when they might not want to say ‘goodbye’, or it feels too soon and they need to talk more, that they will ‘reconnect’ with their friends, and social groups the next day. This helps them deal with feelings of anxiety and they learn to trust the reconnect.

Our kids’ needs for their social connections are only going to expand. As a parent, you can give them tools to help them navigate their expanding social world, with the ability to disconnect, take their own space, and remain connected to you.