I had to laugh while I watched Michelle Obama on the Today Show yesterday. She was describing a game that her family plays called “Thorns and Roses.”

I laughed because when my kids were young, I instituted a game that I called “Good Thing, Bad Thing” that we played at mealtime. Basically we would go around the table and say one good thing and one bad thing that had happened to us that day.

The reason I instituted this was that as a therapist treating eating problems, I know for certain, (and this does not take a rocket scientist or a professional of course), that people use food for many reasons other than for nourishment. We eat when we are bored, anxious, sad, irritated, you name it. Kids can easily develop a habit of using food to help themselves to feel better, almost without us knowing. It can happen that insidiously. Interestingly, with brain imaging studies, we now also understand that even restricting food, (anorexia) acts on the system in the brain to reduce anxiety.

When we talk about creating healthy eating habits in children, I am always interested in focusing on not just WHAT we eat, but HOW we eat. There is thankfully, alot of focus now put on the fact that 1 in 3 children are obese. There is no doubt that we need to look at WHAT people are eating; at the food industry and how food is made, the additives that create the opposite of the feeling of full that helps us stop eating, but rather induces more eating. The profit margins in the food business that has driven an industry that has supersized portions to capture market share. Getting 30 % more lulls the consumer to think that they are getting a deal. Unfortunately, this supersizing of portions over the last roughly 20 years, has truly set Americans up to have major weight problems. When you get used to bigger amounts of food to be a portion size, you are basically training your stomach, eyes, senses to stop eating, or be FULL, at twice the amount of calories we were getting ten to twenty years ago. Not a surprise that most people in this county are overweight.

So, to get back to why I say Michelle Obama’s family game is an obesity buster: She allows for the option to express the BAD, not just the GOOD. If you can talk about things that make you feel bad, you build a tool for your child to feel it, rather than eat it.

One of the most important things parents can give their kids, is to allow for all feelings. The positive and the negative. Most people with eating problems have difficulty what we call in the biz, PROCESSING FEELINGS. Particularly, the negative ones.

Basically, if as a parent you demonstrate to your child that you can allow for and tolerate them feeling what they feel, you give them these tools:

1) a way to recognize a particular feeling,

2) language to verbalize and symbolize that experience

3) support, validation, understanding, soothing, and

4) a tool to learn to WAIT until the feeling gets less intense so that they can begin to use rational decision making abilities to figure out what to do.

The capacity to ‘WAIT’ is probably one of the most important tools you can teach your child. Validating a feeling gives them a process whereby you are helping them develop the ‘muscle’ to WAIT TO ACT UNTIL THE INTENSITY OF THE FEELING DIES DOWN. THEN YOU CAN PROBLEM SOLVE TOGETHER ABOUT HOW TO HANDLE ANY PARTICULAR SITUATION.

Teaching kids how to WAIT, is a cornerstone of postponing gratification. We are now learning that this skill, which can be taught, can be a single predictor of success in life. Forget just dieting!

So yes, Michelle Obama, you are contributing in many ways to combat childhood obesity. It is starting in your own home, not only in the food you serve at the table.

Find your own way to play this game with your family, and you will be sending a strong message that helps your kids know they can talk with you. A true eating problem buster.

Happy mealtimes!

This is a ‘Shout-Out’ to the Vegan Community; since my “Help!  My Daughter’s a Vegan” piece: (which I have to say, I got tons of attention for, mostly negative, but hey, they say no publicity is bad publicity, right?) I have come a long way, baby!

For the last few months I have observed my daughter’s commitment to vegan-ism and have made a real effort to support her in her efforts; buying the right foods, figuring out how to cook some meals that we can all eat, and finally, accompanying her to her favorite vegan restaurant yesterday.

Now I have to admit, I went grudgingly.  I have had some negative associations with the idea of a vegan restaurant, mostly based on past experiences where there seemed to be little, if no flavor to the food served.

My life has been changed.  No, I don’t mean that I have sworn off meat and dairy; that will probably never happen, as I love all foods equally.  However, the object of my passion is now a restaurant called “peacefood café” on the upper west side.

From the moment we stepped in, I was happy.  I know you will be suspicious of this.  I am always skeptical of any ‘new age-ey’ think positive messages’; they always bring out the irreverent brat in me.  But this place is first off, a beautiful space.  And dare I say, it has a great vibe. Every person who works there is incredibly nice. Not in a treacly sweet or obsequious way either. Just simply and genuinely, nice.  (‘Nice’ being an underrated, under-expected, and underappreciated quality as to its effect on daily life, I might add.)

Eric Yu, the owner and manager, was, prior to this career, an antiques dealer.  The restaurant itself is airy and open, with beautiful pieces on the walls.  I sat there contentedly drinking my brazilian nut chai latte, sharing my daughters’ concoction, and awaited our food.

My expectations were not high, I must admit.  But from the moment I had my first bite of the chickpea fries, I was in heaven.  Foodie heaven.  The fries had a bite to them that was utterly satisfying, and then there was the Caesar Salad.  The combination of salty to mild flavors with the proportion of crispy freshness in the romaine lettuce and croutons all under the perfect amount of sublime creamy dressing, was pitch perfect.  There are other ingredients in the Caesar salad I think, onions perhaps, but hey, I never claimed to be a restaurant critic.

We shared a sandwich that had carmelized onions and of course pumpkin seeds in the perfectly mashed pumpkin; again, I don’t have the exact ingredients, but at that point in the meal, I knew that anything I would eat at this café would be good.  

It is just that fabulous.  You know the feeling when you go to a restaurant and you aren’t disappointed by anything?  Isn’t that incredibly rare?  There is usually something; the ambiance, the décor, the surly waiter, or one crappy entrée.  Then there are the restaurants that you can truly relax and settle in because you know that every bite will satisfy.  There are those chefs who can create a balance and combination of flavors and tastes that are always pitch perfect.

This is one of those rare gems.  So all you foodies, (and you don’t have to be a vegan to appreciate this restaurant),  it is called “peacefood café”  and is on 460 Amsterdam Ave. at 82^nd St. in New York City.  212-362-2276

www.peacefoodcafe.com

 Happy Eating!

Here it is, the middle of  January. Perhaps the exuberance and energy of your intentions from the holiday season are fizzling like a day old bottle of champagne.  Has anyone out there either fully abandoned your resolutions, decided to forgo making any this year, or, are you in the process of making some  realistic adjustments to your resolutions?

Pertaining to weight loss, of course, the tips abound.  Ways to lose 5 lbs. making teeny tiny changes.  Cooking spray instead of butter.  One piece of bread instead of two.  Those tips are helpful and it is true:  little bits add up.  Little changes to your habits add up.  As do the bits of food that you may or may not allow yourself to be conscious of throughout the day.

There is no doubt that having lofty goals that don’t quite fit into the reality of your life, are most likely going to be abandoned by mid or the end of the month.  Spending hours upon hours with people struggling with their problems with food, I am absolutely convinced that the most difficult obstacle people face is not figuring out an exercise program that works for their life, or eating differently; it is simply remaining completely CONSCIOUS about the food they are putting in their mouth.

Like all the diet books, ‘mindful eating’ had its day in the sun a few years back.  It is kind of surprising to me, given the popularity of the ‘yoga lifestyle’ these days, that there is less attention and focus put simply to this idea.  I am absolutely convinced that if you add this piece into your efforts to make some changes to your exercise and diet lifestyle, it will give you more bang for your buck.

So here a few tips to figure out how you may not be as conscious as you could be, and ways to improve your mindfulness regarding eating:

1)    If you have a history of ‘on-off’ eating, i.e. deciding to lose weight, eat healthy, and then abandon it as soon as you ‘fall off the wagon’, be aware of that history. 

2)    Try to track the time between when you go ‘off’ what you are trying to achieve and how long it takes you to return to some habits you have tried to change.

3)    Ask yourself what negative thoughts you are having about yourself and write them down.

Now, how to shift some of that so that you can be as mindful as possible; as I say to people in my office, “Don’t go all unconscious on yourself regarding food!”

1)    As many times as you feel you have tried and failed at losing weight, look at your negative thinking, and give yourself a break.  It is the lack of consciousness that is feeding into your belief that you can’t do this, you are out of control, and any garden variety negative critical comments we all like to level at ourselves when we DISAPPOINT ourselves.

2)    Just see it as some feelings of disappointment and frustration and get back into your mind.  Pledge to yourself that even if you eat something you don’t think you ‘should’, or doesn’t ‘fit’ the diet, try these thoughts on for size:

a)     You are in the drivers seat and as such have the right to decide when what and how much you ever want to eat.  EVERY SINGLE MINUTE OF THE DAY.

b)    Think of how your body feels and how hungry or full you are.  Really notice how your body feels and even if you know that you are wanting to eat not for hunger reasons, again, reassure yourself that of course you CAN DO THAT IF YOU CHOOSE TO.  YOU JUST HAVE TO MAKE THAT CHOICE VERY CONSCIOUSLY

c)     Remind yourself as you know this now, that you can always have that food now, in an hour, or later on.  Or tomorrow.  You can eat a few bites, or decide to save some for later.  STAY CONSCIOUS.  TASTE THE FOOD.  DON’T GO ALL UNCONSCIOUS BECAUSE THAT WILL MAKE YOU EAT MORE OF IT, CHECK OUT, AND HAVE A MORE DIFFICULT TIME EATING IN A WAY YOU ARE HAPPY WITH.

See if this year your New Year’s Resolution is different than any other year.  It isn’t just making small, realistic changes that will count.  It is trying to face your shame when you don’t do what you had hoped, and stay with it.  Stay in your own head.  It is not always a friendly place, but the less time you spend outside of your consciousness regarding eating, the more time you spend truly feeling like you are in charge of your decisions.

Now that leads to consistently good eating habits.

 Happy New Year!

I need to put my two cents in here.  (Those of you who follow me, know that of course, I always have an opinion)

 It never fails to amaze me, how, during the holidays, there are millions of tips out there, for how to “NOT GAIN WEIGHT’.

Forgive my inner, (or not so inner) rebel, but I just totally resent the idea that one SHOULDN’T gain weight over the holidays.

 After all, if we want to be able to live well, eat well, and actually yes, MAINTAIN WEIGHT LOSS, don’t we have to account for something called LIFE?  Isn’t part of life eating those things that aren’t in our usual repertoires; things we don’t usually have access to, or get served on a regular basis? 

I am a big believer that part of life is allowing oneself pleasure.  Call me a hedonist, but we certainly know in the weight loss business, that deprivation is just like, so, over.  

So can we stop with the focus on Not Gaining Weight Over the Holidays?  One SHOULD gain weight over the holidays!  How about a little relaxation with the whole thing!  Why can’t we just go with the pleasure and enjoyment of it all, without nitpicking the calories, or the driving yourself crazy!

 I am a big believer, that in order to maintain any kind of weight loss, and EAT FOR LIFE, that you need to OVEREAT at times.  That there are times during the year, or occasions, that it simply is almost like an obligation, to eat the beautiful food  offered to you.  

So, that being said, here they are: DONNAFISH’S TIPS FOR GAINING SOME, BUT NOT TOO  MUCH WEIGHT OVER THE HOLIDAYS:

1)    Allow yourself the right, and the pleasure to enjoy these offerings.

 2)    Don’t eat what is offered simply because it is offered.  Pick and choose what you like and really want to eat. 

 3)    Savor it.  Enjoy it!  There is more if you want it!  Don’t fret.  Stay conscious and if you are satisfied, you can try to stop.  It is only feeling satisfied that might help you stop.

 4)    Don’t go to the parties hungry.  Eat before you go, so you eat what you truly love, not because you are starved.  You don’t have to have a full meal, but have some protein.  Protein with fiber is terrific, a couple of hard boiled eggs will help you not be starving so you can truly enjoy the delectables that you absolutely need to eat.

Above all, enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!  This is your prescription!

THE FOOD DEMANDER and THE TROUBLE TRANSITIONER

Anyone out there have a kid who now is demanding food, or sweets a lot of the time?  Worrying about how to handle it and how to say no without creating World War 3 or stressing that you might create or are seeing weight problems with food demanders?  Although picky and ‘beige food’ eaters as I call them are very typical of childhood, so are food demanders.  In fact, just as your preschoolers start to establish their identities by insisting on wearing that fairy or superman costume day after day, they can start to fight you on food and it can be very easy to be held hostage by your worry that however you handle it might create a problem.

So what’s a parent to do?

Some things to keep in mind:
Just like your kid came into this world with their body type and other personality traits, they can be more or less interested in food.  Some kids are ‘foodies’ as I call them; often they are children who are very sensual, sensitive and artistic, and their palates have developed early.  These kids can often be very intense, demanding, and strong willed.  Why not fight about food since it is the first thing they can control?

You know how other kids have trouble transitioning and you need to give them at least two warnings before you leave the playground or turn off the television for dinner?  Sometimes these kids can’t ‘shift gears’ as I call it.  They are on the same track, and now that they are at the dinner table, they can’t seem to leave!

These children can be at risk for developing compulsive eating patterns, or at best, eating more than their bodies need since they aren’t stopping when the old signal ‘DONE’, or ‘FULL’, registers.  They either ignore it, or need more time for it to be clear.

TIPS FOR THE FOOD OR SUGAR DEMANDERS:

1)    Don’t be afraid to say ‘NO”.   Don’t get held hostage by your fear that you will create a problem if you need to help them set more structure for themselves.  Use your usual firm and limit setting parent guidelines.

2)    Don’t be too rigid either.  Establish clear rules about treats but give them some control.  They can choose when to have the treat, or treats.  Stick with the decision they make and remind them if they aren’t happy they can change it tomorrow.

3)     Don’t over worry about whether they eat sweets before the meal.  This usually creates more problems than diminishing much of an appetite.  Not the end of the world.  Remind them to check for themselves if it does ‘spoil’ their appetite.  “What else are they eating to help their body run or climb up the slide that day?”  Connect nutritional info  to things they love to do.

TIPS FOR TROUBLE TRANSITIONERS:

1)    These kids need the time for a warning and may need to learn that it takes them longer to shift gears when they are eating.  Teach them how to wait.

2)    Teaching kids to WAIT is useful to help them clue into their bodies.  I tell kids that some bodies take longer than others to send the signal to the brain that their tummies are full.  Suggest doing an activity with you, helping clear the table, the dishes while they are waiting to see if they still need another portion.

For both of these kinds of kids, and of course remember that there are overlaps:

Kids will often think they are hungry, or use food if they are bored.  If they say they are hungry and you are pretty sure they can’t possibly be hungry, distract them.  Don’t be flustered by their demands and remember that it isn’t your job to stimulate them if they are bored.  Let them sit with it.  More often than not, they will find something to occupy them, and you have given them something valuable; the ability to not use food to preoccupy them, and how to shift gears and calm down into a calmer state by themselves; often a state of mind that opens up their creativity.

Most importantly, don’t be worried about overriding anything at times if you know they don’t need to eat and simply say:  “No, you have had enough!”

Happy Feeding!

I think we could safely say that when any woman steps into a dressing room to try on clothing, their inner dialogue is not exactly complimentary.  Am I just speaking for myself, or do we tend to get fairly self-critical, and focus on the negative, vs. the positive, when left to the mercy of that mirror and brutal lighting.

Last week, I was on a panel discussion for an art show entitled: ‘Power and Burden of Beauty’ by Rachel Hovnanian.  Part of this installation involves a dressing room that you enter.  Inside the dressing room is a collection of white bathing suits with different sizes attached to them, and a fun house mirror.  A running tape is filled with comments like:  “My thighs are so fat”, and “I shouldn’t have eaten that”; the usual comments, right, that if not voiced out loud, can be such rote, that all the women I have seen emerging from this space, have the same wry smile on their faces.

Not that I am at all immune either, but I often think of that statement by Erica Jong:  “You’re not fat, you’re just living in the wrong country.”

Every country though, in the world has their own brand of beauty and it is no less punishing than here in North America.  Think of the bound feet in China, the elongated necks in Africa, outstretched lips, there is never a shortage in the ways a culture finds a body part to focus on.

With the fashion industry and the media playing such a major role here, we are subjected to an idealization of thin; size 0.  (Although I am sure there is size inflation; a current size 0 is without a doubt the old 4, even 6.  When I go to Montreal to try on clothing, I am a full 3 sizes larger than in the U.S.)  So while we may be horrified by other cultures and what women do to be beautiful, we perhaps lose a little perspective of the ways we torture ourselves.  The array of options are increasing; from obsessional  diet and exercise, to the knife, injectables, lipo; it goes on and on.

What’s a girl to do?  Particularly given that the images that we see are not changing significantly tomorrow.  How do we at least raise the level of awareness, to understand our context, and the impact on us?  

Rachel Hovnanian does this quite successfully in her show. She helps us to recognize our negative ‘self talk’, and she has begun a dialogue.

Let’s ‘out’ this body hatred and body shame that seems to be such a significant tape loop in women’s minds.

Visit this exhibit:  It is at the Jason McCoy satellite space from Oct. 30-Nov. 7^th, 520 West 20^th St., and continues Nov. 10-Dec. 22^nd, 41 E.57^th St. at the Jason McCoy Gallery.

Anyone catch that outrageous story yesterday of the little girl who was denied health care coverage because she was too skinny?!  Her parents were on The Today Show stating that she was on “her growth curve”, is a picky eater, had a bit of a gag reflex problem that was being treated, and she was denied health coverage!

Insane!  Like the medical editor of the show, I too am always telling parents of picky eaters, to look at their kid’s growth curve.  What is important is whether or not your child is staying on THEIR growth curve.  In other words, nine times out of ten, or perhaps even 99 out of a 100, there is little need to worry.

Oops!  Spoke too soon; now in fact, there is something new to worry about.  Your kid doesn’t eat and is too skinny, their coverage gets denied.  With all the job losses and COBRA plans running out, this is not an insignificant concern.  Thankfully, this particular insurance company got such a public spanking that we heard this morning that in fact, they changed their minds and this kid got her coverage.

But what about all the families who can’t get on The Today Show?

Are we mad enough to the point where we are not going to take it anymore?  Are enough people getting affected that there will be enough pressure on the senators, congressmen, whoever the hell is mucking up and standing in the way of health care reform?

Okay, I know I come from Canada and I am used to socialized medicine, so my world view is different.  I landed up with pneumonia when I moved here, because I couldn’t afford to see a doctor as I had no health insurance.  An annoying cough landed me with full blown pneumonia; diagnosed finally when my boss at the restaurant I was working in forced me to see a doctor.  Payment out of pocket.  No small potatoes for a struggling, new in the city, dancer.

You forget about all that craziness though, when you are insured.  Or if you are young and basically healthy, and you rarely have cause to see a doctor.  At the rate we are going though, unless you fit into the highest point of the bell curve; that 50^th percentile, or your kids do, and you have no pre-existing condition, maybe and just maybe you can get health care coverage.

There is little doubt that this system is whacked.

So parents, instead of pressuring your kids to eat more if they are picky eaters, pressure your local politicians, write letters, do anything you can to get some serious health care reform. 

The insanity has gone too far.

Am I supposed to be happy about this?  For the first time as a parent, I find myself almost getting into fights about food.

I know it pushes my buttons, because it seems dogmatic and obsessive.  I hate thinking about food too much; I love to eat but I have no interest in spending too much time figuring out what to eat. (Obviously a reaction from my obsessive, dieting dancer days!)

 As for teaching my kids healthy eating habits, I have focused on helping them eat a range of foods; knowing how to make sure they get the main food groups, and not to deprive themselves too much.  Things have always been fairly loose, and I trust them to figure out what they need.  They have always been pretty reasonable and we have never fought about food.

Being fairly politic, my kids,  like many others, have played with variations of vegetarianism.  First the middle daughter went whole hog.  Then the oldest cut out red meat but would eat chicken and fish.  The youngest, well, she seemed to do a morph of the two.  Me?  I am a meat-a-tarian; nothing stands between me and my T-Bone.

After returning from our time in Africa, my oldest daughter took her vegetarianism a step further.  Now admittedly, it is not easy being veggie in Africa where you have game with each and every meal.  I call it “My Month of Meat”.  But after reading about how our food gets to us, not just the meat, but the dairy and how the animals are treated, she had had it.

I had to listen of course.  For myself, I have had a bit of the “Don’t ask, Don’t Tell” attitude toward food production and distribution.  I know I am sticking my head in the sand, but hey, I can’t handle that much anxiety and pressure to think about what not to eat.  Okay, after the last New York Times article about the dancer getting paralyzed from eating a hamburger, I did think twice before ordering one from the Shake Shack.  I prayed that I could get away with eating this last burger.  Damn, it was good!

But my kids are pulling me kicking and screaming (figuratively, not literally), because they do have a point.  Our food production has gotten whacked.  More importantly though, in parenting, I realize that I need to take my own personal and professional attitudes, and to a degree, put them aside.  This needs to be about my kids and what they are saying they need.

So with some protest, and pushing her to make sure she is getting adequate nutrition and taking enough responsibility to eat properly, I have had to go against the fact that I hate that she is doing this, and support her.  It is getting easier.  The more I see she eats healthy, the more I trust that she will be okay.  

Maybe it will just be a stage.  But for now, I am adapting.  I am learning how to make different kinds of dinners, and she is cooking up a storm.

Then I slip in the T-Bone.  Gotta have my meat.

Nothing like having kids to reinforce the nature part of the nurture debate when it comes to personality traits.  Forget things like hair and eye color; any parent with more than one kid knows how different and unique their personalities and temperaments are, from Day One.

I broaden this to what I call your kid’s “Food Personality”.   It is rare for there to be kids in one family who all have similar eating styles.  More often than not, I hear parents including myself, talk about having one kid who’s a fairly picky eater, stops easily, while there are many children who have trouble stopping.

I call these kids, my Trouble Transitioners.  Since I coined this term for the 6 Styles of Eaters I write about in my book, I have come to see that some kids don’t necessarily say: “More, More!” because they have trouble with transitions, but simply because they have a  well developed palate, and love the stimulation of the tastes, smells and the sensations of the food!  I think back to when my middle daughter who delights in whatever she is doing at the moment, would be eating bowls and bowls of cereal, with the biggest smile on her face; humming the whole time.  I had to teach her how to flip the ‘off’ switch by waiting and checking back in with her body 20 minutes later.

This is the opposite of the Picky Eater; kids whose palates and senses don’t develop until they are older.  (If at all, there are some adults who are still picky eaters, and not that ‘into’ food.)   Trouble Transitioners are so stimulated by the tastes and sensations (early ‘foodies’; and I say that in the best sense of the word), that they are on their third helping before they feel the signal that they are ‘Done, or Full”.  By the time they hear the signal and stop, they are usually STUFFED.  This way of eating can, over time, become habitual as the cue to feeling ‘DONE’ and STOP EATING, is triggered after larger quantities.  The obvious result can be weight issues, which create other problems.

Parents can worry about how to handle this without at best, creating bad feelings and power struggles, or at worst, an eating disorder.  (Although parents, you can let yourself off the hook, it takes more than that to create a true eating disorder; some disordered eating, perhaps, not a full blown eating disorder.)

So in the interest of giving your ‘foodies’ some tools to prevent problems from developing, here are some tips:

1)    Enjoy and show your kid that you love how much they love food and the tastes.  Celebrate this.

2)    Teach them that they are their own “BODY EXPERT”, and it is their responsibility to become the best “BODY DETECTIVE” possible.  This means listening carefully to their stomachs for the signal that they are DONE, OR FULL.  Educate them that some bodies take longer to send the signal; it can just be a whisper after one bowl of cereal, but they need to WAIT 20 minutes to hear it well.

3)    While they are waiting, let them do an activity with you like clearing the table, doing the dishes.  If they want more, leave their food on the table so they know they have access to it and can have it if their body tells them they are genuinely still hungry.  (Avoids power struggles)

4)    Teach them how to listen to their bodies; Think of gradations of Hunger/Fullness; 1-7 from Starving, to Stuffed.  Help them to Listen Carefully and EAT WHEN HUNGRY STOP WHEN DONE, OR FULL.

5)    There are some foods that lend themselves to stimulating your tongue and mouth to the point where it makes it hard to flip the “Off Switch”; some salty foods, or sweet, depending on your palate.  Teach your kid to just step away after some, and remind them they can have more later.  (Try it yourself!)

Teaching kids HOW to WAIT and STOP, is a part of preventing eating problems from developing, and empowers them to eat well for life.

Happy Mealtime!

What parent doesn’t want their kid to feel good about themselves? If I see that commercial one more time, with the little kid batting the ball saying: “I am the best hitter in the world!” or , “I am the best pitcher in the world!”, with the ‘happy soundtrack’ in the background, (what is that “Celebration”?!) one more time, I think I will explode.

The catch line for the commercial is: “That’s OPTIMISM!” I shake my head muttering “No, that’s delusional!”
Call me a bad parent, or an a-hole. All I think is that chances this kid is the best pitcher in the world and can keep thinking and saying that to himself, is such a set up for the day he throws down his glove and stomps off the field because he couldn’t hit the ball, he feels like crap and won’t go back, because he isn’t “the best pitcher”.

Now I know this commercial is trying to promote the idea of OPTIMISM. Okay, so maybe I am being a little ‘concrete’ and overly dramatic in my reaction, but as a therapist who basically spends most of her hours teaching people HOW TO NAVIGATE FEELING LOUSY WITHOUT DOING SOMETHING THAT REINFORCES THEIR BELIEF THAT THEY ARE CRAP, I take issue with this idea that optimism is about being THE BEST. Is that the only way ‘WE CAN?’ More importantly, what kind of set up is this for our kids to think they have to “BE THE BEST”? How many kids are truly going to BE THE BEST? What kind of perfectionism are we promoting? What happens when they can’t THINK they are the best, because they aren’t doing very well that day, that season or simply aren’t actually stellar at that particular activity?

Most of the emphasis seems to be on WINNING. We do live in an ‘uber-‘competitive culture, and we sure do need to learn how to work hard in order to not just compete, but function well at anything. There is way too much focus on the win, and too little on any kind of process. Ironically, in sports, this idea of ‘showing up’ is built into the structure of training and is the discipline.
But what if your kid doesn’t do a sport or any activity that involves structured training? How do you as a parent help give your kid the skills to DO THEIR BEST, which involves trying over and over and over?! (And feeling like you are failing, or feeling frustrated, over and over and over!!!)
So, I offer up some quick tips on helping your kids build self esteem and cope with reality: (The good and the bad). I call it “Skill Training on Being Human 101”

1) IT IS NORMAL to have strengths and weaknesses in all ways.

2) It is NORMAL to feel great about some parts of yourself, and not about others

3) It is NORMAL to feel badly about these parts, or how you have done at times.

4) It is NORMAL to feel anxious, sad, frustrated, bad, insecure, envious, angry, competitive, etc.

5) It is NORMAL to feel ambivalent; two feelings that seem opposite about the same thing: every decision has its bad aspects no matter how good.

Teaching ourselves and our kids to roll with the BAD without getting stuck in it, or getting stuck in behaviors that reinforce the feeling: “I suck” involves the following:

1) Identify the feeling and the negative thoughts that result.

2) Know that feeling states shade thinking, similarly to how the cloud passing over the sun makes things dark. That doesn’t mean the sun went away and the cloud will pass. This is a mood, but it is dark and can feel like the sun will never shine again. IT FEELS DARK DOESN’T MEAN IT IS DARK. THE SUN IS STILL THERE, REMEMBER?

3) Feelings pass. The intensity of feelings shift and it will not be a 10 an hour later, or the next day. Might be 2, or even a 0.

4) When the feeling and intensity dies down, you can think straight and use judgment to problem solve.

5) Give yourself time to let the feeling shift. Set a timer. Distract yourself with things that don’t reinforce the negative. Stick with the feelings use behaviors to help you live with them, or soothe them, not take them away. (Food, drugs, alcohol, anything excessively that is being used to avoid bad feelings all the time just reinforces a belief that you don’t have a right to feel good about yourself. Results that then lend credence to the negative thinking about yourself: i.e. “I am a loser, I have no control”, “I am fat, ugly, awful, etc.feed proof to the insecurity.

6) Give yourself space and time to feel. Give your kid space to let the intensity die down. IF they want you close fine, but don’t get stuck if they are passing the hot potato of the negativity by blaming you. Kids do this a lot and can be part of developing. Help them learn though how to identify their feelings and take responsibility for them after the intensity dies down.

Few are THE BEST at anything. Let’s give ourselves and our kids a nice ‘matter of fact’ attitude toward living that is the scaffolding to TRYING OURS AND THEIR HARDEST. Showing up. Putting one foot in front of the other despite how you feel. Over and over.

That is what builds competence, confidence, self esteem, and, dare I say, ‘real life’ optimism.

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